SAAM 2024

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this program are those of the blog writter and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of any entities they represent.

The month of April is known as Sexual Assault Awareness Month around the world. It is during this month that often military Sexual Assault Prevention & Response (SAPR) Teams will host significant events to bring awareness to the subject of sexual assault and awareness. The 90th MW/SAPR Program is similar; the first part of the month for the SAPR team at F.E. Warren Air Force Base (FEW) comprised of advertising. Getting out amongst the people giving out business cards and candy at gates with the first sergeants or sitting at tables visiting with people during their lunches was all a big build-up for three major events dominating the talk on the installation.

Mayra Guillen from the #IamVanessaGuillen Foundation flew to Denver, Colorado, from Houston, Texas to speak to the men and women at FEW. I was privileged to pick her up and be her assistant and chauffeur for the day she was in Cheyenne. What a privilege to hear an amazing and strong woman talk about her sister, the tragedy that occurred, and what has since occurred in the SAPR world as a result of Vanessa’s needless death. Over 600 people packed the FEW theater to hear Mayra. FEW was the first military installation after Vanessa’s death to invite Mayra to speak and follow through, and we made sure to leave a lasting impression that we pray will leave her wanting to come back and compare all her other visits to this one. It is my hope, with the help of sponsors, that next year, for SAAM, we will be able to dedicate a bench at the front of the installation to Vanessa’s Guillen and the Start by Believing concept. Already we have seen the impact that this woman has made just at FEW.

SARC, Becki Burke and Marya Guillen
The theater was packed for Mayra Guillen

Following Mayra, we invited another impressive woman and survivor to teach at our gym on self-defense. Mrs. Sarah Falen-Tate is an impressive woman who is an attorney and advocate for our farmers and ranchers and teaches self-defense. Thanks to her daddy, who believed it essential for his children to learn self-defense Sarah was able to escape an attempt to kidnap, rape and assault her while she was out on a highway in Wyoming alone. She uses that knowledge to teach others how to be cognizant of their surroundings and, if necessary, the basic steps to escape if the need arises. This is the second year we have had Sarah at our installation, and she never fails to bring the heat. We look forward to her returning to teach more men and women at FEW.

Finally, the 26th of April arrived, and our team would make sure that the Annual SAPR 5K and Resource Fair finished the month with a bang. With only 52 people signed up to run and attend, we saw that the men and women at F.E. Warren Air Force Base would surprise us once again with over 100 people walking/running on a cold and blustery day, and then upon finishing heading to the Trails End for breakfast courtesy of the First Sergeants and coffee from Scooters Coffee and a wealth of information on self-care from the following organizations: SAPR, Chaplain Corp, the JA, Guard Prevention, Outdoor Recreation, Military One Source, 90/MW Prevention, Cheyenne Animal Shelter, Hands on Physical Therapy, Blue Federal Credit Union, Military One Sources, and many many men and women who assisted with set-up and tear down. We started with over ten tubs of swag to give out, and when we returned, we had less than two.

April was an incredible month here at FEW. I look forward to seeing what Becki Burke, our new SARC, does with this program and how she takes it to new levels of trust and acceptance by both leadership and the men and women we serve.

Thoughts…Thoughts…Thoughts

  1. Cleaning out a closet
  2. If money was not an issue
  3. High School
  4. Relationship with the body

So this is going to be that kind of rambling post about multiple topics when I realized in reality they weave into one another!

Ahhh…that feeling you get when you have cleaned out your closet of clothes you don’t wear or are too big! That is exactly what I am doing this week. I have a tote I will be taking to someone this week. It is such a good feeling to remove clothing from my closet because they are too big. It is a sign I am losing weight, getting healthier and taking care of me.

When I was in high school I had this little 100lb body that easily fit into size 0 and 1s. I didn’t exercise and ate whatever I wanted never thinking that not only did I have a family tedency to be overweight but also that I could lose my high burning metabolism. That little girl in high school always had other worries that consumed her: being pretty enough, or knowing and being with the right friends. Fast foward 30 years to a 49 year old woman who has birthday four daughters and faced health challenges amongst other things I now weight 155lbs. This is huge as I have seen 250lbs at one point. In 2015 I made the decision to take control of my life and body by not oly shedding weight but also stopping a pharmaceutical-chemistry set-up in my own medicine cabinet and body. I no longer would be ruled by presciptions, begin walking and living again on my own terms. Today I make it a point to get in 10,000 steps, and multiple flights of steps. In addition to that I do intermitten fasting, where regularly I do not eat for 20 hours and then only have an hour or two of feasting. Is my relationship with my body perfect? No, but as with any relationship it is a work in progress. Somedays I love how it looks and other days…I keep reminding myself I am fearfully and wonderfully make and that all things are from God.

If money wasn’t an issue…what wouldyou do tomorrow if you won the lottery or had a rich relative who left you with enough money that you could do whatever you wanted the rest of your life? I am sure we all dream and imagine what we would do if money would no long be an issue. Many would buy lavish items like cars, clothes, houses, etc. But is that really what makes life better? Do you know many of the millionaires and billionaires out there do not live in big fancy homes or drive fancy cars? Rather many live just like regular middle-class. According to many studies it is realtors, attorneys, and other high profile persons who seem to need to put on the airs even if their flat broke. So what would I do if money was no longer an issue…I would buy a home on 40-50 acres so we could have some cows, pigs, etc. My new home would be a modest three bedroom home. Just big enough to have guests but not so big it envelopes us with too much room. Yes we would probably buy a new car but nothing extravagant. My husband would probably just rather redo his engine and repaint the truck since we love it and hate the newer ones. My current vehicle is a 2016 Mazda CX5 that I love and does well for us when we travel. Of course my education costs would be paid off and any otherstanding bills for us and the kids. Beyond that we would take care of some needs for the kids and then with the help of a financial advisor we would work on investments so our wealth could grow and help our kids when we leave this earth. We would discuss giving to the church and military groups, and then traveling would be a must. Lastly using my education and Tim’s knowledge workng with our military and volunteering would be important.

So what would you do?

September/October Photo Drop and Thoughts

October ended with lots of love and laughter…we celebrated Liam’s first Halloween by dressing up and collecting candy – he was the extended warranty guy! We even decorated and carved pumpkins. As part of the festivities, we visited the base where we saw the Luttons, Nelsons, Carmean, and Buss. I even dressed up and let Ms. Tea decorate my nails more. However, there was so much more to October…

Check out the cool colors on my ankle due to a result of a fall from the 30th or the tea we went to on the 29th

I got a new dish set – something I have not gotten before

Liam has become my accountability partner – I am looking forward to going back to the gym with him

We advertised to do pictures this Saturday, but no one signed up

Then there is my little Bee hanging out

“I am Groot!”

No matter where I go, I will always be a Jolly Rogers. In October, I applied for a position doing the work that I have been working towards in my education – today (11/04/2022), I interviewed and feel 99% certain I will be hired. I have mixed emotions about this as I love the 90th Operations Group and struggle with leaving them… However, I want to think that I will leave an imprint on the lives I have encountered in a good way.

Wyoming showed her colors this year with a real fall spectacular showing. We saw those colors just days after when we saw silver flowers while doing family pictures.

My sweet Bee finds that lying down and loafing anywhere is good enough.

Tuhla and I went after the same ball; only when I went to kick, she went for the foot rather than the ball. Can you say ouch?

Not only has Wyoming shown all colors, but at the base, we have enjoyed a variety of animals, including this young coyote who appears at different times during the day. I was lucky to watch him for a while – he likes to dive headlong into the ground after rodents.

Check out one of the sweet shelter pups I enjoy each time I am at the Cheyenne Animal Shelter!

Birthdays…Teas…and Fur babies!

One of Liam’s requests after he came home, was to have a full tea at home…so the three of us had one and then enjoyed some time running errands. When we got home, the kids wanted to celebrate Tim’s birthday with a singing and exploding card.

Liam graduated from 13N school at Vandenburg Air Force Base

Pepper got to meet his dad

Enjoy a passel of kittens from the Cheyenne Animal Shelter above!

At the end of September, I traveled to Gillette to help move mom to Kansas City, MO, to live with my sister and brother-in-law. We enjoyed time traveling, unpacking, Holly time and time together. When I got home, I enjoyed time with my critters and an evening in the ER with my husband to learn how we do things like abdominal sprained muscles as we age.

In September, we said goodbye to Chief Delgado – had another tea – went to see Codi – checked out a Sunday farmer’s market – did spring cleaning (check out Tuhla’s green nails!

September saw our first MOPS meeting in Pine Bluffs…And Faithe and I photographed the Cheyenne Marathon.

However, more important, it saw us celebrating the 75th Anniversary of the United States Air Force. More time with the shelter photographing their Octoberfest

We said goodbye to the only queen I have ever known in my lifetime:  Queen Elizabeth II. Rest in Peace, Your Majesty!

Our yard is looking good – as are these pups who were adopted.

Codi and Nathan made it to Greece and took wedding pictures in their beautiful wedding attire. Moreover, my sweet husband celebrated our 5th Wedding Anniversary with a beautiful bouquet for me

9/11

IN MEMORY OF ALL WE LOST, THE 21ST ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11

STATISTICS: Times of impact: 8:46 a.m. and 9:02 a.m. Time the burning towers stood: 56 minutes and 102 minutes. The time they took to fall: 12 seconds. 2819 dead from 115 different nations. 343 Firemen/ paramedics, 23 NYPD, and 37 Port Authority officers.

Pentagon: Time of impact: 9:37 a.m. Deaths: 189

Pennsylvania Field: Time of impact: 10:03 a.m. Deaths: 44

Total lost 2996+

These losses do not account for the thousands more who have died as a result of the toxins from that day after the fall of the towers or the Pentagon.

My memory I will never for as long as I live forget that day. Brian had just come home from working a midnight shift at the guard and was in bed when I got a call from my dad to turn on the television. The girls, who were in second grade, Kindergarten, and just a toddler, and I watched the second tower get hit, watched both fall, and watched the Pentagon get hit! My second grader and kindergartner knew this was not good and hung on every word while still trying to get ready for school.

And then the call came to wake Brian, his MSgt called saying he had to come back in and we did not know when he would be back. This was the first time we had ever considered as a guardsman he would go to war. This was the first time I truly understood in a new way what it meant to be a military wife. This was the first time that I realized what was stolen from our country and how much more we could lose.

My father wanted me to keep the kids home that day – our answer was to fight back against terrorism and send them to school.

All of this was occurring while knowing that Brian’s father-in-law was somewhere in Manhattan at one of the towers, which we did not know. It would be 24 hours before we would learn it took him all day to return to New Jersey and he was ok. When Tom died many years later I think most of us knew that he was another victim of the towers and the debris he breathed in as he walked home that day. Before Tom died I had cross-stitched him a piece that had the twin towers on it and a reminder that we would never forget – the look in his eyes said it all – a loss that was felt until the day he died.

Years later I am reminded of friends who have committed suicide, military members who have fought and lost more than life, and families who kept the home fires burning and yet lost too. As we come upon this day I encourage others to never forget. Remember this day, remember what it cost. Remember what it is still costing. Remember that the fight is not over, but it should not be against each other – brothers and sisters of this country. Do not let politics, religions, gender, class, or culture get in the way and make you forget that on 12 September 2001 we were ONE!

A Few Things on My Mind

Hello!

This blog will be full of hot topics that have been poking at me for some time now. So buckle up and prepare for a swath of topics

Many of you know I am a real advocate for those with disabilities, ensuring they have a voice. And I am not just addressing disabilities because of physical or mental issues born into a person but also those created out of trauma. So, moving along this subject line…

  • If a person has a disability, the worst thing a parent, sibling, spouse, etc., can do is take away choice
  • and voice from that person. I made the poor decision to remove a child’s voice out of fear and concern. Unfortunately, the development of that decision has given licenses for others, including her sisters, to insist she be in a bubble rather than allowing her to utilize a voice that too often has been silenced by good intentions but a poor path. While some disabilities demand certain decisions and do not allow for choice, repeatedly, that is just an excuse. As the parent of an adult child, I have learned that too often, I put my child in a bubble to protect her, but instead of protecting her, I took away her voice and ability to choose for herself what was and wasn’t suitable for her. By doing this, I set an example of how others should treat my child. Unfortunately, it was a poor example to follow. So, the lesson here is that a person with a disability who is mentally competent should be allowed to make their own decisions for their body. The new word being used is medical autonomy…and it is true.
  • A person with a disability who requires a service dog is often bamboozled with people who do not know service animal etiquette. Recently my daughter was shopping locally, and a woman walked her kids over to her and her service dog and told the children to stay there and play with the dog while she shopped. Usually, my daughter is ok with petting if asked first, but this lady just assumed. When the lady was corrected for her behavior, she immediately used a rather foul language to describe my daughter for failing to allow her children to use her service dog as a babysitter. “Whether the dog is in service or training to serve, the rule is: don’t touch or distract him. This is because interacting with a working or training dog could put the other half of his team — his owner — in harm’s way.” [1] These rules are broken down further for those who think they can’t resist petting
    • Speak to the owner, not the dog.
    • Don’t touch without permission
    • Keep dogs a distance away from working dogs
    • Do not offer food to service dogs
    • No matter what, treat all people with sensitivity and respect
    • Do not make assumptions about a service dog
    • Do inform the handler if their dog approaches you
    • Never assume service dogs just get to be dogs.
    • Service dogs have the right of way
    • Never feel sorry for a service dog
    • Know the law[2].

Just get over it. How often is this phrase said to those who have suffered a traumatic event? Well, it is another subject that is just getting my goat. A person who suffers a traumatic event cannot just get over it. While as counselors and other mental health professionals, it is greatly desired for those seeking assistance to do so as quickly as possible after an event, it does not always happen. Because of this, just getting over it may take years and sometimes never happens. It is rude and disrespectful for anyone to suggest that they get over it to another. For too many years, we have been a society that hid our inner demons and failed to get help…this standard makes it hard as we turn a corner and encourage asking for help to occur. Stop saying, “just get over it,” and encourage those around us that it is ok not to be ok and

to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness but rather strength. “Well, the sad truth is that often when we are told to get over it, the people in our life are not thinking about what is best for us. Rather, they are thinking about what’s best for them. Let’s face it—intense emotions are stressful to the people around us. They don’t like it. And as much as they may love or care about us, if it comes down to their distress versus ours, many people will want to ensure that their stress is managed—even if it is at our expense. And so, when our friends and loved ones tell us to get over it, what they are telling us is that we are stressing them out, and they can’t take it anymore”[3]. Instead of telling a person to “just get over it” how about, we realize that the pain they are suffering through is part of their journey. Next, let reality set in that there is no magic timetable for when anyone heals – we are all different and unique. Lastly, be there. 

I am a strong conservative Christian! But unfortunately, by saying those words, many people will create this box they believe I belong in. It is a box that some would label as Trump-supporter, pro-life, indoctrinated, second amendment gun-toting, Bible-thumping, radicalist…feel free to add whatever term that comes to mind. While I do associate to a degree with some of those terms, those aren’t what I want others to think about when they realize I am a Christian. I want them to remember that I did my best to love the way Jesus did.  So often, those who hold these labels are considered strict and judgmental Christians who do not believe in tolerance, etc.  Unfortunately, this is what the word Christian has come to mean. 

Jesus had one word that was part of his instruction that came up again and again: to love.

Not to love those that we are like, but to love everyone. A change I recently went through allowed me to stop being a critical, judgmental Christian rather than someone I hope Abba truly wishes me to be like.

Because of this change in attitude, I can look at my daughter, who identifies as a bisexual feminist and say, ok, but I still love you. It allows my youngest daughter to introduce me to her friend Rose, a transgender woman, and not be afraid of how I will react. It allows me to be a friend to my colleague, a married homosexual woman, and not be scared when she hugs me. It allows me to be a confidant to a black man, hold his hand in prayer, and not be afraid. It allows me to run to help a Muslim woman who drops her groceries at her car and not be frightened of her. It allows me to cry and be disgusted when one of my newest friends has to go through an emergency PCS because his family is being persecuted in gruesome ways due to the color of their skin.

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Description automatically generatedSo knowing this and my feelings on diversity, where does that lead me next?

Let me ask this did you know that God is pro-choice?  “Goldberg is right that God gives human beings

choices, but he also expects us to live with the consequences of our choices. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God tells the Israelites, “I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live.” Jesus makes it clear that in the final judgment, we will be judged based on the choices we made in life. Those who failed to love their brothers as they love themselves, Jesus says, “will go off to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life” (Matt. 25:29).”[4]That does not mean that God will not judge us in the end for the choices we make; it does mean that it is not our job to stand on the street corners and shout down the women who make that choice. Instead, we need to show them the love of Jesus. 

Bad People, Not Bad Animals. In July, I was bit and scratched by a cat at the shelter. I was more than a little shocked as this particular kitty had shown nothing but affection in the kennel and initially in the playroom. But as I rubbed it and my hand went to its hindquarters, it turned on me swiftly. I knew something was wrong with this kitty, as cats don’t just turn like that. Carefully with blood dripping, I placed the cat back in the kennel, let someone at the shelter know what had occurred, and placed a quarantine on the cat. I knew in my heart of hearts that this sweet animal was not vindictive or mean; rather, there was something wrong with it internally. I checked on the sweet kitty every day while it was in quarantine, and finally, the decision was made by the vet that the cat had to be euthanized due to what is kitty fibromyalgia. I could not let the cat be put to sleep without someone there that would love it and be there for it as it breathed its last – someone who did not hold against it. So on that Sunday, Charlie was put to sleep in a quiet room. This could have been prevented if Charlie’s owners had been attentive to its needs and didn’t just drop it off at a shelter like discarded garbage. I see a lot of these kinds of issues at the shelter. People drop off animals they think are problems or have problems because they are unwilling to give the time needed to care for an animal that will love them truly. I guess that is part of why I love volunteering – to show these animals the love they have longed for and miss.


[1] “Service dog etiquette — Paws of war,” n.d.

[2] LTHQ, 2021

[3] (Sills, 2021)

[4] How to answer the “God is pro-choice” Argument. (2020). Catholic Answers, Inc. https://shop.catholic.com/blog/how-to-answer-the-god-is-prochoice-argument/

SUICIDE

No one likes to talk about this subject, but maybe if we did more it would be less taboo and people would feel like they could ask for help more.

Landyn Medina, recently shared on a FB group I belong to his desire to open up this subject here in the Cheyenne community and make it less taboo, and be a light for those struggling in darkness. This is a complex subject to talk about, and often people do not want to talk about it because they either don’t understand it or know what to say. I have worked as a community resource counselor and a Christian unlicensed counselor for many years. So I want to respond to him and some others who commented and get some information out there. If you are not in Wyoming but would like to learn about resources in your state please do not hesitate to reach out to me and I will help you.

While you are correct that often we would like to chalk up our high rates to the Wyoming mentality, there is much more to it than just that (the Wyoming mentality can be found in many western states and some of the more outliers as well). An interesting statistic that goes with this is “The high suicide rate not only involves Wyoming but also includes Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Idaho, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Oregon, Arizona, and New Mexico in the lower 48. Sometimes, this group of states is referred to as “suicide alley or the suicide belt.” Alaska also has a high rate of suicides and is consistently ranked in the top five” (Overfield, 2020). Many people have hit on several of the reasons that it is believed that Wyoming and the states are in this “suicide alley.” We live at a generally higher altitude than other places leading to a lack of O2.

Additionally, we are isolated…Physically, we live in a state that makes us more isolated in certain parts, as you may travel 90 minutes to see another town (the I80 corridor is a perfect example of this). Again our weather has been suggested to play a part in our higher suicide rates – imagine when you are stressed and mentally down how the howling of that wind can sound. Finally, we do have lower access to mental health care. In Wyoming, we do have lower access – for example, we do not have a hotline for suicide (the only state in the Union that does not). Currently, if you want to call a hotline, it has to be the national suicide prevention line at 800-273-8255…with that, though, you may get handed off, and those there or in other states do not know what resources are available here. Those who want to text for help can text WYO to 741-741. Here specifically in Cheyenne, there is a crisis line for those feeling like they want to commit suicide at 307-632-9362; this goes out to Peak Wellness Center, now known as Volunteers of America Northern Rockies. 

“Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States for all ages. There is a suicide every 12 minutes, and it takes the lives of more than 44,965 Americans every year. The highest suicide rates are whites, American Indians, and Alaska Natives. According to National Alliance on Mental Illness, only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. An estimated quarter-million people each year become suicide survivors” (Overfield, 2020).

Suicide does tend to be higher amongst men, but women have more suicidal ideation thoughts. The main risk factors we see are someone who has tried before to commit suicide, depression or a mental disorder of some kind, the abuse of alcohol or drugs, family violence that has led to physical, psychological, or sexual abuse, history of prison time, exposure to another who expresses said beliefs of committing suicide, medical disabilities, and the two age groups with the highest number of suicides are between 15-24 or our elderly.

It was mentioned that there are sure signs; yes, there are. For example, we watch for someone who talks about being a burden to others, withdraws from their regular activities, those who feel they are isolated from friends, family, or their community in general, excessive sleeping, an increase in the use of alcohol or drugs, experiencing moods that can be described as depressive, lost of interest, irritable, anger, or anxiety, and those who start giving away their prized possessions.

Some of the myths that we need to overcome with suicide are the following:

Myth:  People don’t talk about committing suicide.

Fact:  People who kill themselves have often said something to someone. As a people, we fail to listen and observe those around us genuinely, and we DO miss the signs.

Myth:  If a person is serious about killing themselves and has reached that point, we can do nothing about it.

Fact: Often, the feelings of actively wanting to commit suicide are temporary, even when depressed, anxious, or struggling for long periods. This is why getting the right kind of support at the right time is so important.

Myth: You have to be mentally ill to think about suicide

Fact: 1 in 5 people have thought about suicide at some time in their life. And not all people who die by suicide have mental health problems when they die.

However, many people who kill themselves suffer from their mental health, typically severe. Sometimes it’s known about before the person’s death and sometimes not.

Myth: People who are suicidal want to die

Fact: The people who commit suicide do not want to die; they do not want to live with the life they have.

Myth: Talking about suicide is a bad idea in it may give someone the idea to try it.

Fact: As I said before, people often consider this taboo. And people who feel that way do not want to burden others with their feelings. But when we are direct and ask a person about it, we are giving permission for them to talk about it. As a result, those who are thinking about suicide have often felt unburdened and relieved when someone spoke to them about it.

Myth: Most suicides happen in the winter months.

Fact: While we often think of the winter months as blue months, this is not the time in which most suicides occur. More suicides happen in the spring. 

Myth: People who say they are going to take their own life are attention-seeking

Fact: This is true and false. They are seeking attention and help, and by telling you this, they are asking you for help. Do not ignore this plea for help.

IF THERE IS A SUICIDE THREAT: Remember: It is a myth that people who threaten to kill themselves don’t do it.   

  1. ASSUME that any suicide threat is serious and treat it as a danger to the person’s life. A previous suicide attempt increases the likelihood that the person will act on the threat.
  2. ASK the person in a calm, quiet setting whether he/she is thinking about suicide. Your questions can be indirect (“Do you ever think you should never have been born?”) or direct (“Do you feel like you want to die?”)
  3. FOLLOW UP if the answer to these general questions is “Yes” and ask about specific suicide plans. When does the person plan to commit suicide? How? Has the person already acquired the means, e.g., pills, gun, etc.
  4. DETERMINE the imminence of the danger based on the answers to these questions. A college freshman who describes a suicide plan for graduation day in four years is probably not in danger. A college senior who is graduating the next day is. Act accordingly. 
  5. CONTACT the person’s mental health or medical providers and repeat exactly what the person has told you.
  6. HIDE all vehicle keys and any means that could be used for self-harm, e.g., medications (including over-the-counter drugs), knives including kitchen knives, guns, ropes. 
  7. KEEP the person sober. Suicide completers have high rates of positive blood alcohol. Intoxicated people are more likely to attempt suicide using more lethal methods. Be aware that the combination of alcohol and Tylenol can be lethal. Be sure there is no Tylenol available if the person is drinking.
  8. DO YOUR BEST to persuade the person to get help voluntarily. Dial the hotline number, drive to the clinic, take a taxi to the ER. Do whatever is necessary to make getting help easy. 
  9. CALL 911 if the suicide attempt appears likely (Fuller, 2018).  

Your job is to stabilize and get professional help quickly in any crisis!

If you have questions, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

If you are struggling with suicide and need someone to talk my phone is on at all times. Please do not hesitate to call. I can be reached at 307-439-6567

References

Fuller, D. A. (2018). Respond in a crisis. Treatment Advocacy Center. https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/component/content/article/186-old-get-help/1613-get-help-crisis-response

Overfield, R. S. (2020, April 22). Wyoming perennially one of worst states for suicide. Cody Enterprise. https://www.codyenterprise.com/news/people/article_f840bf28-84d2-11ea-afab-db304f005aa9.html

Native Americans in Crisis

Preface

            My grandfather was an undocumented Eastern Cherokee Native American.  My grandmother is an undocumented Pawnee.  I cannot explain why my grandmother was undocumented, but it is well known that there was a fire many generations ago that causes the loss of many records for Eastern Cherokee.  My grandfather grew up on the reservation in Oklahoma and then later moved to Fort Cobb before being drafted into the Army for World War II.  I take great pride in my heritage, yet I have been raised in a white society, so I understand how to stand up for myself and not allow comments that others may take as culturally insensitive to affect me. Using that information and that experience, I speak to the problems that my Indigenous brothers and sisters face and the crisis within the tribes.

Introduction

Imagine that you cannot turn and talk to family, law enforcement in your area, and the other source that might help you, has long been considered the oppressor.  This is what Native American women face every day as they try and find help for the crisis they face when they live with intimate partner violence and even death.  The ending of the epidemic of missing and murdered women can be accomplished through a cultural awareness of the indigenous people, crisis counseling utilized in the proper context, and assisting the culture to embrace the use of spiritual applications to battle their demons. 

           If you sit and speak with the Amish of Holmes County Ohio, you will hear them speak of them and us.

Their culture has established a barrier between themselves and what they refer to as “Englishers.”  This is because biblically, the Bible directs them to set themselves aside and not be like Gentiles.  Native Americans face the same issues, only they have been told for so long to be like the white devil that they have forgotten to stand up against its oppressors.  It is necessary for those who want to help Native American women to be culturally aware of each tribe of Native Americans as a whole and not press upon Native Americans someone else’s culture. 

           What does cultural awareness within First Nations look like?  First, it must be recognized that Natives face three issues counselors must be aware of when educating themselves on culture:  patriarchal societies, matriarchal societies, and the destruction and effect of white society.  Each of these societal effects means a different way of looking at crisis counseling. The one thing that counselors need to be aware of is that there are 573 federally recognized tribes, and while there are three overall effects to consider, not every culture can be covered in this one paper (Afraid of Bear 2020).  “Differences in cultural groups are closely related to regional differences and may be distinguished by their language or spiritual belief systems” (Department of Health and Human Services 2009).

Culture

            Matriarchal society

            Before European colonizers came to the American new world, tribes like the Cherokee and the Lakota Sioux were matriarchal societies.  These were societies that women were free to lead, could marry if and when they wanted, could divorce without repercussion, and did not face domestic abuse issues.  Women part of these types of societies did not have to worry about gender roles or feminism.  All respected these women in the tribe because they were looked at as a person and not just a woman.  While the white colonists could not understand what some referred to as a petticoat government, it was expected when colonists first came to the “new world” to sit with women and men of the Cherokee Nation to make decisions.  This did make both groups uncomfortable as colonists believed women’s place was to be at home, versus the Cherokee at the time believed that all persons in the tribe at a right to lead and make decisions.

A tribe that was not affected by colonists and remained matriarchal is the Hopi.  When a man and woman marry, the man moves to live in the woman’s home or near her family.  She owns the home and everything in it.  Women made and made the decisions within their society.  They are both matriarchal and matrilineal (The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica 2019).   

            Patriarchal society

            Gender roles amongst First Nations tend to differ based upon region and community significantly.  The Hopi are a traditionally matriarchal society, while the Sioux are a patriarchal society with positions definitively handed down via the maternal line. 

“Without question, Native women experience violence more frequently than non-Native women (Sokoloff and Dupont,38-64). Feminist intersectional approaches to this problem indicate these women experience a double bind of discrimination being both Native American and women. Moreover, the possibility that a woman will experience violence is likely to increase if she lives on a reservation and/or lives below the poverty line, which is common because unemployment is often high in these contexts. Furthermore, Native American historians note that traditional leadership roles for women have been devalued and often deliberately undermined by colonial forces based on Eurocentric patriarchal systems” (Le May 2016).

The same tribes that were matriarchal before colonization of the United States slowly turned patriarchal after an “if you cannot beat them join them mentality.”  By 1827 the Cherokee Constitution had outlawed suffrage for the women of the tribe (Glickman 2017).

A woman of the tribe could no longer vote or hold office.  The culture women had so enjoyed before colonization was decimated.  According to the European colonist ideas, the idea of “if you cannot beat them join them” and becoming a civilized society quickly resulted in not what Natives thought was best practice but genocide.

            White society

            When the white European colonists came to this “new world,” they believed that they were the civilized society with their clothes, gender roles, and white ways. They thought that those who lived in this conquered world were savages. The song Colors of the Wind played in the Disney movie Pocahontas describe perfectly what the reality was regarding who was civilized and who was not:

“You think I’m an ignorant savage – And you’ve been so many places – I guess it must be so – But still I cannot see – If the savage one is me – How can there be so much that you don’t know – you don’t know…You think the only people who are people – Are the people who look and think like you – But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger – You’ll learn things you never knew, you never knew” (Kuhn 1995).

When the white settlers landed upon the United States and began meeting the Natives, they attempted to make them into people like themselves. 

They told them that their culture was wrong, their religion was wrong, their society was wrong, and they were not civilized. As seen in the movie Dances with Wolves when Ten Bears asks the character John Dunbar how many white men will come, and he is told more than the stars in the sky, this speaks truth to what the First Nations saw as the settlers descended upon their lands, and pushed them further and further out.  

           Cherokee Tribes and other like tribes were far more civilized than European colonists as they had established egalitarian societies where both men and women were given equal rights. However, Native Americans were not considered equal. 

In fact, of the more than 10 million Natives living in North America when colonists landed there, only 238,000 remained at the end of the 19th century (Fixico 2019). With the pushing of tribes to reservations, the United States government has forced Natives to live under a government that has lied, cheated, killed, starved, stole lands, and destroyed cultures. “Whether Native American tribes like the Cheyenne who befriended the white man even changed to Christianity and yet lost their lands and were forced to move” (Franson 2020). It is interesting that a group of people who escaped from Europe and religious oppression became oppressors to those different from themselves. Because of this historical trauma First Nations face further trauma because they continue “to live among and with the perpetrators of their trauma, the United States Government and its people” (Cash 2016, 330).

Counseling

            When dealing with those who have suffered due to historical trauma or crisis at intimate partner violence, it is important not to label them as victims, especially as this can have cultural references that do more harm than good. Because of the oppression of white people, counselors must keep this in mind as intergenerational trauma. Thus, their job is to develop self-confidence, manage antipathy, and create constructive cultural and ethnic socialization (Wilkins, et al. 2013). Another tool that can be utilized with Native Americans going through the crisis of domestic abuse due to historical trauma is Emotional Emancipation Circles (EECs). EECs are evidence-based and traditionally compatible with their strengths-based method toward restorative shock (Barlow 2018). These treatments are founded on cognitive-behavioral therapies (CBT) that label how a person is exposed to a traumatic ordeal or absorbed in it generationally recognizes the shock. While the knowledge of historic hurts is new and no “evidence-based treatments for historical trauma have been found” (Williams-Washington & Mills, 2018, p. 257), the culturally thoughtful application of CBT can be used. In most cases, when a culture uses the term historical trauma, it is essential not to allow third and fourth generations to fall into the trap of historical trauma; with Native Americans, this is perceived differently since they live with their oppressors and oppression is still occurring. The treatments used to give attention to those of diverse cultures must be a mixture of CBT, and other treatments that address culture (Vaul-Grimwood and Le 2007).

           As helping professionals begin helping those who are facing traumatic and intergenerational trauma that has led to the crisis, they must remember there are phases to address: motivational, intervention, and collective. Therapists must be educated in the historical context that has led to the crisis the First Nation people are in – this is documented as the motivational phase. When a helping professional is culturally proficient, they enter the intervention phase. 

Finally, it is vital to recognize that historical traumas that result in crisis are systemic. As such, individual response is warranted, but so is a collective response. For those going through this kind of crisis, they need to name their problem and not just hide behind a stigmatism created by their culture. In the Legacy of Trauma, the author discourses hopeful intercessions but distinguishes the resulting:

  • identification of the problem
  • acceptance of self-care means
  • lessening of triggers like social media sources
  • not instructing novel or upcoming generations the activities that have steered to the shock instead appeal to them to remove themselves from the evil ideas they have been rooted in

           Another issue that helping professionals must be mindful of when helping Indigenous people is that not all tribes have experienced historical trauma. However, those who have their physiological makeup can be changed because of the constant stress they are feeling due to perceived ongoing trauma. For those who see this kind of client, it is vital to converse with the primary care provider of medical care to take a whole-body approach. While the mind can be healed, when the stress of this magnitude is created, and there are ongoing stressors and the possibility of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), then a whole-body approach needs to be taken to help the issues the body that are affected (Brown-Rice 2013). 

           This constant historical trauma has led to a new crisis for Native Americans, one of which is violence against one another in the forms of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse, specifically towards women of the tribes. This cycle was created out of the genocide of First Nations:

  1. With the killings and saving of white people.
  2. Then First Nations crossed into self-medication through alcohol, drugs, and food (again introduced by the white man).
  3. Counselors can see a movement into what is seen today with a crisis of murdered and missing women through interpersonal partner violence.
  4. Finally, a tribe condones this behavior as normal because they have forgotten their culture and heritage (Kilson 2020).

 Spiritual Application

            No matter what our color, culture, or shape, we are all created in the image of God. “God created human beings in his image.  In the image of God, he created them; male and female, he created them” Genesis 1.27 (Bible Gateway 2020). The Bible was regularly used when colonists came to the United States to weed out and kill the savages of the land. Many took verses from the Bible out of context as done in Joshua 24.13 where God told Moses, “I gave you land you had not worked on, and I gave you towns you did not build – the towns where you are now living.  I gave you vineyards and olive groves for food, though you did not plant them” (Bible Gateway 2020).

Another verse that was regularly taken out of context by the colonists was Genesis 9.2, where God tells Adam, and renews the covenant with Noah, that all the land and that that lives on it belongs to man.  Colonists used this reasoning to say that they landed in the United States, and all belonged to them because they were Christians. “Tragically, the First Peoples’ free exercise of peaceful religious practices and beliefs did not last forever. The arrival of conquerors and colonizers with weapons in each hand — a gun in their right and a bible in their left — would mean the widespread oppression, persecution, and condemnation of the spiritual beliefs and practices that were so central to the First Peoples’ lives” (Silpar 2018).

As helping professionals, it is important to remind clients that they need not be a slave to fear or to those who have oppressed in the past…” For you are a slave to whatever controls you” 2 Peter 2.19b (Bible Gateway 2020).  It can be hypothesized that if First Nation people permit intergenerational trauma to govern them, we are indeed a slave to it. 

“The term trauma, meaning “wound,” comes from Greek antiquity. The range of meanings attested at the time includes being severely hurt, physical wounds, wounding, (military) defeat, and psychic wounds. Over the centuries, studies of trauma have been part of various disciplines: mental health fields, literature, and the arts as well as religion” (Guerrero 2015).

The injuries found in people and the way they treat one another can find their origins in original sin.  While Adam and Eve were forgiven their sins, their sin left a broken relationship between them and God, the Father that would be generational.

This broken relationship is seen not only in Genesis but through the generations.  But God, the Father, had a plan to recapture His children into his presence when it was prophesized in Isaiah that a Messiah would come and be “pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed” 53.5 (NLT).  As a Christian, I am reminded that no matter what my wounds are, no matter the oppression from others, God has “plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a hope and a future” Jeremiah 29.11 (NLT).

Conclusion

            For as long as Indigenous people can remember, they have been oppressed by the people of the United States and its government.  There has never been a time during those living that they cannot remember broken promises and treaties.  Because of this oppression and living amongst those who oppress everyday Native Americans have fallen into a crisis resulting from historical trauma.  This crisis has led to what some are now dialoguing and calling an epidemic of missing and murdered Native American Women.  Much of the reason for this crisis is because of a cycle that was started with genocide, then moved into self-medication by natives, then to the normalizing of abuse of one another in the tribe, and finally the condoning of the behavior.  This is what Native American women, and even men, face every day as they try and find help for this new form of crisis they face when they live with intimate partner violence and even death.  The ending of the epidemic of missing and murdered women can be accomplished through a cultural awareness of the indigenous people, crisis counseling utilized in the proper context, and assisting the culture to embrace the use of spiritual applications to battle their demons.

           As helping professionals, it is pertinent that they recognize these First Nation people’s historical context and what has led to this crisis of identity.  Part of helping these people heal is by understanding the types of society each First Nation tribe comes from:  matriarchal, patriarchal, egalitarian, etc.  It is also essential to recognize that many First Nation societies were far more advanced in their thinking and understanding of their spirituality, (and in my opinion), who God is. However, as white people invaded their land, they refused to see this and instead wanted to either kill them or conqueror their way of living and replace it with what they saw as better. 

References

Afraid of Bear, Loretta. Traditions & Culture. 2020. https://indianyouth.org/mission-history/traditions-culture/.

Barlow, J.N. “Restoring optimal Black mental health and reversing intergenerational trauma in an era of Black Lives Matter.” Biography 41, no. 4 (2018): 895-908.

Bible Gateway. New Living Translation. 2020. https://classic.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+1.27&version=NLT (accessed October 2020).

Brown-Rice, Kathleen. “Examining the theory of historical trauma among Native Americans.” The professional Counselor 3, no. 3 (2013): 117-130.

Cash, A. Wiley concise guides to mental health: Posttraumatic stress disorder. John Wiley & Sons, 2016.

Department of Health and Human Services. Culture card. Washington D.C.: Department of Health and Human Services, 2009.

Fixico, Donald L. When Native Americans were slaughtered in the name of civilization. August 16, 2019. https://www.history.com/news/native-americans-genocide-united-states.

Franson, Robert. Letters: Apologies from a white man. October 15, 2020. https://navajotimes.com/opinion/letters/letters-apologies-white-man/.

Glickman, Mary. A culture where a woman’s voice mattered as much as any man’s. February 25, 2017. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/cherokee-women-undisturbed-peace_b_9220464.

Guerrero, C. Encourntering trauma in the Bible. October 14, 2015. https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2015/10/14/encountering-trauma-bible (accessed October 2020).

Kilson, Cristal. Mental health issues from historical trauma plague Native Americans. September 02, 2020. https://blog.nativehope.org/mental-health-issues-from-historical-trauma-plague-native-americans (accessed October 2020).

Kuhn, Judy. Colors of the wind. Comps. Alan Menken, & Stephen L Schwartz. 1995.

Le May, Genevieve M. “The cycles of violence against Native women: An analysis of colonialism, historical legislation and the violence against women reauthorization act of 2013.” Portland State University McNair Research Journal 12, no. 1 (2016): 1-24.

Nimmo, Cayla. Looking back: Missing and murdered Indigenous people conversation grew in Wyoming. December 29, 2019. https://trib.com/news/state-and-regional/looking-back-missing-and-murdered-indigenous-people-conversation-grew-in-wyoming/article_0c56539e-5697-580c-84cd-d8e272cb0dae.html.

Silpar, C. Christian devils: How the Bible was used to mobilize oppression of Native Americans. February 20, 2018. https://medium.com/race-law-a-critical-analysis/christian-devils-how-the-bible-was-used-to-mobilize-oppression-of-native-americans-84e67f7e091b (accessed October 2020).

The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica. Hopi. February 25, 2019. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Hopi.

Vaul-Grimwood, M., and G. Le. “Introduction: Holocaust writing of the second generation.” Holocaust literature of the second generation, 2007: 1-30.

Wilkins, Erica J, Jason B Whiting, Marlene F Watson, Jody M Russon, and Allena M Moncrief. “Residual effects of slavery: What clinicians need to know.” Contemporary family therapy, 2013: 14-28.

Fibromyalgia

FibromyalgiaI have Fibromyalgia, but it does not have me. I have hesitated to write this story but felt it was a necessary evil. I have likely had FMS since 1988, likely after I was in two automobile accidents within three days of one another. It is believed that FMS is passed down the maternal side and is a recessive gene that can be sparked alive by severe trauma. For me, it was these car accidents…for my daughter, we have not been able to pinpoint it to one specific trauma as she suffered several in the first two years of her life. There is no cure or treatment for FMS, and for each person who has it, they have to work through their symptoms and issues individually. They cannot necessarily rely on someone else (for example, a diet change helped me but has not helped my daughter).

The reason I bring this to light is I have had way too many family and friends who do not understand why I may go home and take a nap after working for the next several days, but then on day four, I clean the garage, and go shopping, and unpack my house…why can’t I always do that! I have grown frustrated with people looking at me and saying, “but you don’t look disabled.” That is something that is commonly heard. And while right now I am blessed not to look that way, it was not so long ago that I did use a cane and had blossomed to well over 250 pounds because of my disability. The common phrase of don’t judge a book by its cover can aptly be applied to this situation.

So I decided it was time to explain my FMS. I am blessed that I have seen remission…at least until June of this year (still fighting the good fight and trying to keep it at bay). I chose in 2014 after a move to Albuquerque, NM that I did not like who I had become. I didn’t particularly appreciate that my children had to pack our house and take care of getting us to NM because of my disability and their father being gone. So a change was in order…it started with ridding my body of all the pharmaceuticals I was placed on, which I believe did more harm than good. I went cold-turkey off of them all (please, please consult with a physician before doing the same thing as it can be perilous). I began exercising, which is hard when you have chronic pain, but I forced myself to exercise every day (and to this day, I make sure to get some stretching and exercising in). I also changed my diet…less eating out, less gluten, and more fresh, wholesome foods. Between all of these things and some other mental changes I made, I was able to say I was altogether in remission by the spring of 2015. I have not read of many people who have been blessed to see this gift, and it is not one that I look blindly in the face. With all of this said, does it mean I no longer have pain…no it does not. Many of the issues with FMS are still very active in my life…what it means is I have to think less about how many spoons I will spend in a day as I do when my FMS is out of control. (Yep, I saw that look…spoons? We are getting to that!)

What Is Fibromyalgia? | Open Medicine Foundation

So as you can see, things look bright but let me tell you about the last two weeks, and you will understand why it is vital for me to explain to you about FMS…

Last week was my last week of school for two classes I was taking to finish my master’s degree in counseling, but that wasn’t the only thing I was doing. Additionally, we had only been in our new home for two weeks and living out of box after box (I am someone who has to have everything in its place, and if it isn’t, I do stress over it – and all stress does is highlight the pain and other symptoms). And on top of that, I had a sick husband at home, and I was working a 40+ hours week at my new job. Do you see the problem already…how do I make it to where I have enough of me to do it all. Can you also see that this is difficult for an average person, let alone someone who has a disability? And so comes the spoon theory authored by a person who has Lupus. It will also explain to you why I did not get the house unpacked or cleaned at all, and that most evenings when I got home, I had to choose whether to do a little homework and then whether to spend time with my sweet husband or go to bed because I was exhausted and knew even going to bed early did not mean a restful night. This week is a little different. No more school and a little more energy, but I still had to take two days to clean my house, and in doing that, it also meant laying down for half an hour after work to find a little extra energy. Tonight it will be hard as I travel to Laramie to finish cleaning my old home, meet my husband and then get up in the morning to make one last dump run before heading back to Cheyenne for the weekend. This weekend I will take the whole thing to do nothing but rest as I can feel my body caving slowly from spending more spoons than I have to give and taking them from future days.

Now to understand fully, I hope

The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

Cartoon image of Christine Miserandino holding a spoonAs I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

© Christine Miserandino

Fibromyalgia: A Pain-Processing Problem

Change is in the Air

For everything, there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3.1-8

As many of you know, I have been working very hard since 2015 to better my education. img_2035I will finish my second master’s degree before beginning my doctorate at Liberty University this spring. When I started this journey, the goal was to work as a victim’s advocate within the military…as do many goals, my purpose changed. In May, God laid it on my heart that I am to work with the military, but I am to minister them differently than as an advocate…thus I quit trying just for an advocate position within the military, but a place where God wants to use me.

As my goal changed to what God wanted, I began sincerely praying for God to direct me to where I am to go. Every answer I received was that I was to return to Cheyenne. I wasn’t sure if that was accurate. When Tim and I had initially talked, we were ok with moving to Colorado, Spokane, Washington, Cheyenne Wy, and even possibly Montana. But as I started applying for positions, the less happy he was with Colorado and the cost of moving to some of the other areas. Cheyenne was more and more becoming where we wanted to make a home. So I prayed even harder. And God answered radically and fantastically…I not only received one offer but three competing proposals for me to take a job at FE Warren AFB. The first job was turned down due to not meeting our financial needs, but the second two looked promising…so drum roll…I accepted a position that increased my pay a third of what was paid before, better benefits, and moves us to Cheyenne. And I am working with a Godly man as I accepted the position working for the Operations Group.

This is a bittersweet change for me. I love working at the University and watching my cadets grow into amazing young men and women. But with the move and desire to take away from me the things I love in that job, I will gain those back working at the 90th. I love that will finally work with a commander that wants me on his team and does not care that I am a civilian and does not micromanage or ramrod his team. This is a season of change for us…not only are we moving before Liam and Faithe commission, but it means a move to Cheyenne.

The other thing I have learned about this move and change of teams is that I am not losing the people I work with now as friends…for the first time in the military I now understand how no matter where we go or where our assignments change to our military family does not go away.  I will not lose my friends and family in the officers I work with now or the NCOs.  Even as I say see you later, those same people are offering to help with chores at home, finding boxes, etc.

Thank you to Detachment 940 for allowing me this time to grow, and be part of a team I will never forget.  Thank you Colonel Shearer for giving me a chance to be part of this team, and encouraging me to grow.  Thank you, Major Noah and Major Thorpe for letting me part of your teaching team.  Thank you, TSgt Leahy and TSgt Giannini for teaching me timg_2034he things I would need to know to do my job.  Thank you Major Landsverk for the growth we have gone through as colleagues and friends.   Thank you all for being my friends and family during this topsy and turvey time, and for not abandoning me as I move on in my career.

As I prepare to leave I ask those of you who know me and call me friend to please pray alongside me for a place to live in Cheyenne that will be what we need and hopefully want.  And a position for my sweet husband with his employer before Christmas.

Cloudy With A Chance of Hope

The word negative or negativity has been part of my vocabulary lately.  It seems like there is a lot of negativity in this world we live in right now.  I see it at work, on social media, and even in my home.  So here is my question what can we do to be less negative and be happy with where we are at?  It is my hope that someone reading this will take it to heart change their perspective.

First let’s start with some nuggets of wisdom:

  • A person does not always need to be right!  Often times we will ruin relationships over making sure we are right, and the other person is wrong.  Ask yourself this question “Would I rather be right or would I rather be kind?” “What difference will it make to be right?” “Will it make a difference in 5, 10, or 20 years from now?” “Is your ego really that big?”
  • Do you need to always be in control?  I admit this is an issue I face…when I am not in control I have issues of anxiety, as do most people.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

  • Give up on blame.  Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
  • Stop complaining! Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking. A perfect example of this is when people drive down the road…you complain if they have the wrong lights, you complain if someone isn’t going the speed you want, you complain if someone is following to close…
  • Stop the criticism of those that are different! Stop complaining because someone doesn’t cut their hair as short as you think it should be, or if they don’t help the way you think they should be.  Give up your need to criticize things, events, or people that are different from you.  Don’t even label those who are different – this is an issue we see right now when someone is labeled as having white privilege or Christian, or liberal, or this generation.

A mentality that can lead to negative thoughts includes:  criticizing others, being attracted to drama, having a victim mentality, always expecting the worst, feeling depressed, taking things personally, and dwelling on bad news.

Now let’s get rid of the negativity in our lives, not caused by us…

  • Do not feel guilty about cutting negativity and negative people from your life. Let me tell you this pandemic has done wonderful things for me in this area.  Not only am I away from those at work, but even those in our community.  And the ones that are positive have come out of the woodwork to help more and more.  One of my colleagues and friends from work has more than once helped me with physical labor due to my own limitations and always does it with a joyful and glad heart. Sometimes this means even cutting family from our lives.  I have more than one relative who is negative to the point I purposely
  • Arguing with the negative and being pulled into their drama is ineffective.  When I am with someone who is negative driving and causes all kinds of drama I have learned to do my best to sit back, place my hands in my lap and look out the passenger’s window and ignore the tirade.  I believe when they stop getting the attention to their tirades they are less likely to keep down that road of negativity.
  • Like attracts like.  Remember the old adage your parents told you about how appearances are everything when it comes to who your friends are?  Well, it is true.  If you surround yourself with positive they will help you to remain happy and keep your joy focused on where it came from.  In the movie War Room, the actress Pricilla Shirer plays Elizabeth Jordan, and near the end of the movie as she finds her way with God she takes control of her house from the devil by telling him you may not steal my joy…it is not found in my kids, in my job, in my home and not my husband and you may not have it.  Part of the way that Elizabeth gets there is by surrounding herself with people who helped her find her way!
  • Find a new hobby.  I say that but for me, that hobby isn’t a hobby it is a relationship.  I have gone deeper than ever before in my relationship with God; my prayer life is constant.  But for those who are not like me find something that others do that keeps you positive.  Take up knitting, or painting.  Or something else I have started doing is walking our greenway and going down to the river to play in the water with my dog.  So relaxing and rejuvenating.
  • Recite positive affirmations. We all in one way or another have done this.  I like to post positive sayings on my whiteboards at work, and scripture at home or even at work to remind me who I belong to.  Have something you have memorized you can say to yourself when negativity starts to rear its ugly head.  As a Christian scripture memorization is important.  I often find myself praying Psalm 139 to myself and over others; especially the part about God knowing what we would say even before we say it.
  • Recognize when you are falling into a negative pattern.

Some signs that you are falling into a negative thought pattern include limiting your thoughts to black-and-white beliefs without considering anything in the middle, trying to predict the future, making over-generalizations, and catastrophizing small events.

  • Practice gratitude. Be thankful for what you have, even if it seems like a little thing.  Change your perspective.  Remind yourself of what is good in your life.  Appreciate the things others may not notice…tonight as I got home from visiting my husband I looked up into our night sky and appreciated the clarity and the beauty of it.  One other way I do this is with my prayer journal, not only do I have prayers but praises that I can look back on and find gratitude on.
  • I love you!  Don’t forget to say it.
  • Do not be a gossiper!  Gossip is toxic.  Stop talking about others; praise them to their face.
  • Compliment others regularly.  How are is it to say thank you for what others do?  Appreciate how someone looks and tell them. Tell someone if you notice how awesome a garden is.